dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
