i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
