if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
