life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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