So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
foreskin is a definite game changer
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
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Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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