lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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