you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I can't turn off my feet"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
