I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
