is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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