I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
