be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
