I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
