His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
