You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
