My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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