You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
