The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
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Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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