they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
