I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
being pregnant is like rehab
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
