if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Boobs speak an international language.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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