found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
