I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
