Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
