I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
