oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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