Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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