I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I party with great urgency now.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
