Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
