If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
