I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
