don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
