i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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