you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
