Michael Bay diarrhea
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
