Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
