Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
