tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
