I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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