Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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