I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
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In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
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want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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