there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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