dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
