i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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