she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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