I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
They took my balls.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
