My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
