Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
