i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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