i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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