Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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