and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
