I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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