Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
