Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
