What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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