i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
