I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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