This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
